An open letter to my airplane neighbor

Dear Woman-Sitting-Very-Close-to-Me,

I'm writing about an incident that happened on our flight from Washington, DC to Dallas-Fort Worth. It was brought to mind as I passed through the deli section at the grocery store this morning.

You seem like a perfectly lovely woman. I truly mean that. It's always a nice idea to start off the plane trip with a little giggle about legroom. Testing the temperament of the folks you sit between is a strategy I use often as it could be vital to your survival. A bit of advice for next time, though. If you are as big as a tree, please check in extra early so you can choose a good seat and not jam in between us.

Also, that salami log you're gnoshing on looks really good. No. Seriously. I love meat just as much as the next girl. But here's the thing. That smell? Believe me, the last thing you want to do is upset the delicate balance between the turbulence and my stomach. I've been working on techniques to keep my cookies down for a very long time, but your weird snack is going to undo all of that effort in one fell swoop. There are two kinds of food in this world: airplane and non-airplane. Let's put together a quick and dirty guide for future reference. I'll print it out and stick in your bag for you. You can thank me later.

Non-airplane
Anchovies
Salami logs
Egg salad
Kimchi

Airplane
Cashews
Carrots
Salami between two pieces of bread with lettuce and tomato
M&Ms (if you share, otherwise, they are strictly non-airplane)

Grey area
Tuna

For future reference, if it needs to be refrigerated, it deserves a second and third thought before stuffing it into your string pack. Also, that arm rest is not actually for you to put your arm on. I know, it is deceiving, but the simple fact is that when you have to put three people in a row that arm rest magically transforms into a buffer zone only.

So, in closing I want you know that I intend no malice toward you and your pocket o' cough drops draped on my lap. Yes, a fistful of meat is an appetizing snack. But hey, we're all in this plane together. Let's work together to make it not suck so bad.

Sincerely,

Julie